Rain, Chapter 66 (TRANSLATORS INVITED!)

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Wraith
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Joined: Thu Mar 19, 2015 11:58 pm

Rain, Chapter 66 (TRANSLATORS INVITED!)

Postby Wraith » Sat Nov 25, 2017 8:38 pm

A new volume begins. That and a couple of other hurdles prevented us from releasing it sooner, as we decided to translate the full map for the first time. (And I ended up being the one who did it… ;=_= )

Chapter 66

It is also available via Batoto and IRC and can be downloaded from the reader, too.

We're inviting translators to help us in trying to get other projects kickstarted. Please apply!

KLSymph
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Nov 26, 2017 4:22 pm

Re: Rain, Chapter 66 (TRANSLATORS INVITED!)

Postby KLSymph » Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:01 pm

Greetings, Rain translation team. As a reader of the series since its days with Sense-Scans, I would like to offer some criticism on the chapters you've released, with examples focusing on chapter 66. I am not familiar with the level of experience for your translator and quality checkers, and I also have not seen the original Japanese text, but judging only the translated English, it appears that the releases you've made need additional work to improve the text for the English-reading audience.

One issue is that the translation appears to err too close to Japanese sentence structure directly, and has not been adequately corrected to follow English patterns. For example, on page 9: "You are truly the one I have seen in front of me in my dreams all these centuries." is awkward in English, and can be rearranged to perhaps "You truly are the one I have seen in my dreams all these centuries." One could easily picture the 私の前に or equivalent from the Japanese text that the translation is trying to preserve, but this is an artifact of Japanese idiom that is not desirable in English, and should be removed.

Similarly, the translated English should be more brief than it currently is. For example, on page 9: "The time for you to make a choice about your own fate shall come." can be "The time for you to decide your fate shall come." or "You shall soon need to choose your fate." While these revisions do not capture the exact nuance of the original statement, they strike a better balance between meaning accuracy versus pithiness. Brevity makes statements more forceful and dramatic, whereas wordiness in exchange for unimportant nuance makes reading more confusing for little gain. And one would not expect a man in a sickbed to be especially wordy and precise in his nuance.

Another example on page 13: "...I'd like to be taken to fly over the night sky someday." is quite terrible. It could be "...I'd like to fly through the night sky sometime."

A major issue is that the translation does not take sufficient care with diction. For example, on page 13: "We didn't mean to make Chris feel indebted, but... when Chris flew over that valley, it was like Chris really had grown wings and it was so wonderful..." uses "Chris" three times in a row. At least one of them should have been a pronoun, because this kind of repetition creates an odd overemphasis on the name. This was less likely a conscious decision by the team than an overlooked detail, but such details matter.

Another example on page 23: "Make sure to make them not notice Her Majesty's absence!". Repeating "make" twice is awkward, and "make someone not notice something" is not smooth. Perhaps "Make sure to cover for Her Majesty's absence!" is better.

A more important effect of inattention to diction is that it muddies character voice. For example, on page 21, Rain says "Your Majesty. Won't you come with me to the town tonight?" This question has a peculiarly formal phrasing coming from Rain, who speaks rather casually even to the leaders of nations, and especially if it's followed immediately by "Sure, call it an inspection or a field trip, but you'll be going incognito." Instead, it might be phrased "Want to go with me to town tonight?" In general, this has been a pervasive feature in your chapters, where insufficient care of word choice has caused many characters to sound similar when they should not. The dragon conversing with Ark in chapter 65 is an obvious example, with their dialogue not differentiated enough by diction. Speaking personally, this muddiness in character voice has been especially jarring when compared to Sense-Scans's established take on characterizations.

And lastly, there are general mistakes. For example, Shelfa's profile on page 5 (the missing period, "asif") or Rain's command on page 33 ("Your Majesty", "abstain"). These are fairly obvious and while missing a few is perhaps inevitable, please review a chapter more carefully before publishing.

All the issues listed above have been noticeable since you started translating Rain in chapter 63. Please consider these comments and make needed corrections, reposting previous chapters if necessary, to improve your product quality.

Thank you for your time and effort.
sundanese
Posts: 32
Joined: Sat Jun 17, 2017 8:25 pm

Re: Rain, Chapter 66 (TRANSLATORS INVITED!)

Postby sundanese » Mon Nov 27, 2017 9:22 pm

WoW.. Thank's So much for new released.. I wish this will be going on to the end & I wish alot of people will Join to deathtollscans for translators and such others, if alot of people join, the other translate Manga will be going fast.. ^_^ Thank's Much Admin... XD ~~~

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